Dream Living

Like so many, I dream. I had a dream once where I wanted to fly. And so I did. The men in the village warned me. "Do not fly," they said. But I flew anyway. I lifted my arms and soared, high above, through the clouds. I understood what clouds were, a lifelong mystery, found in that dream, I understood, in that dream, what clouds were. Soon enough, after flying for quite a while, I became a raven. This is what they had warned me about; this is the change they said would happen. No longer human, now bird, I flew, and I ate, and I called. And in the next moment, I was no longer the raven but the star of a film. The film was starring Antonio Banderas and Michael Douglas, and I was both of them. The film was called "Flying" and it was about....something. I couldn't tell. All I knew was that I'd forgotten my lines. And that I had a gun. I shot it into the air, and then ran and ran and ran until I could no longer run, because again I was flying. Again I was the raven. And then I woke up, and it was me that was awake, not the raven, and not the star of a film.

Almost four weeks ago I had another dream. Similar, not the same. I wanted to fly. The people around me warned me. "Do not fly," they said. But I flew anyway. This was not dream life; this was a living dream. I was not asleep. In fact, I hadn't slept, and so there was nothing to awaken to, I thought. This was the real thing. I wanted to fly and so I did. This time, I would not wake up and be me. I would be the raven, forever soaring and understanding clouds. The difference between dream living and the living dream is this: Dream Living happens in a Dream World. The realities of This World are not present. A Living Dream happens in This World, with all of its realities still intact and not flying into the air like the bullet or the bird.

I thought that this Living Dream would leave me in the Dream World, but instead I haven't been able to fall asleep long enough to be there. Unlike in my raven dream, where I flew because I wanted to and kept on flying, in this world I flew because I wanted to, and am falling to the ground, aware of my human body. I'm beginning to listen to the villagers' advice. I'm beginning to think the same thoughts, "Do not fly."

The reason I came to Paris was to find what they (i) like to say mon raison d'etre. My reason of being. I thought it was a change that was necessary. I'm questioning whether it is the change that was necessary, and I am reaching certainty that mon raison d'etre is not to be found here. My most enjoyable moment thus far has been at Shakespeare & Co Bookstore, full of Brits & Americans. I'm not throwing in the towel just yet (if I had a towel to my name, it might be easier), but this move is looking to be much more of a vacation. And a short one at that. Whether, as in my raven dream, it will be I that wakes in my own bed once this is over, I am not sure. It may be the raven still flying to some other place, waking somewhere else, somewhere not my own bed...but Paris is not a city for birds and dreamers, despite what you may have heard.

My Current Top 5 Songs:
1. Beck - Guess I'm Doing Fine
2. Bob Dylan - Most Likely You Go Your Way And I'll Go Mine (There IS something magical about listening to Bob Dylan in Paris)
3. Cloud Cult - A Girl Underground
4. Grizzly Bear - On a Neck, On a Spit
5. Of Montreal - Sink the Seine


P.S. I should try to find a way to stop living so impulsively, it's true. But the way I see it, every action is a reaction to something...and since I'm not smart enough to predict what all those actions and reactions will be, I must go with it in every moment.